Monday, November 23, 2009

JOKES - Smart Chinese man

Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and

asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer

that he is going to China on business for two weeks

and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need

some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man

hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the

street in front of the bank. He produces the title and

everything checks out.

The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as

collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its

officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for

using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a

$5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into

the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two

weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000

and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to

have had your business, and this transaction has

worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that

you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why

you would bother to borrow $5, 000.The Chinese


"Where else in New York City can I park my car for

two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there

safely when I return

Friday, November 20, 2009

JOKES - Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store
operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular
floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.


The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.


The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
extremely good looking.

" Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign


Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit
the building, and have a nice day!

Now there is more reason to stay SLIM

I have often heard that it may actually be harmful for the health if a girl diets too much and become skinny. And of course I have also heard about how being too fat can cause a variety of lifestyle diseases. But this news from Peru is new, and horrible. Perhaps this may become the new motivation to stay slim.

Four people have been arrested in Peru on suspicion of taking the lives of dozens of people in order to sell their fat and tissue for cosmetic uses in Europe.

The Republic of Peru is a country in western South America. It is bordered on the north by Ecuador and Colombia, on the east by Brazil, on the southeast by Bolivia, on the south by Chile, and on the west by the Pacific Ocean.

This Peruvian gang allegedly targeted people on remote roads, luring them with fake job offers before extracting their fat to sell it for US$15,850 (S$22,027) a litre.

Other suspected gang members, including two Italian nationals, remain on the loose.

The Peruvian police claimed that the gang could be behind the disappearances of more than 50 people in their country.

Police said they suspect the fat was sold to cosmetics and pharmaceutical companies in Europe, but currently do not have any evidences.

Monday, November 16, 2009

VIDEO - Thai most pretty SHEMALE

Her name is Nong Poy , she is the most perfect shemale had ever made

JOKES - Choosing Priest

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was
for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a
sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told
that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not
be ordained because it would be a sign that he had not reached a state
of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests
until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos! As she danced,
his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off his weenie, clattered
across the ground, and came to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up...........................
.......and all the other bells started to ring.

JOKES - Mad Cow Disease


The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you
offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed) : "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information.. but what's the relation
between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day ...

and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

The program was never aired .....

JOKES - School lesson

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your ass!"

... the teacher fainted!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

JOKES - Weather prediction

It was autumn and the Red Indians at a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it Going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

JOKES - Pay your bill

The Itch
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try... One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story............

Pay your bills.

Monday, November 2, 2009

JOKES - Marriage fairy

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.

During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90

JOKES - Sharing

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for
the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered.... "The teeth"

JOKES - Marriage choice

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry

the one with the biggest breasts. hahahaha

JOKES - Half Sister

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives only a street away and her name is Susan Hoffman." After dinner, George's dad took him aside and said, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, and she's a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I fooled around with other women a lot. Susan Hoffman is actually your half sister, so I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted. After eight months, he started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news: "Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hah," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father!"

JOKES - Some hamsap jokes

Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady,
I'll turn into stone.* *
A part of me is getting hard already!

A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife.....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !

This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress while thinking a
name of his
country and his mistress ask him* *
'In Dear?'...

Research shows men are fatter than women because
every-night men get fresh
milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2
peanuts & 1 tea-spoon
of starch!

An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.* *
'Your name pls'?
'Abdul Aziz '
'Sex? '
'Six times a week!! '
'No, no, I mean male or female! '
'Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !'

Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service and sometimes
you have to be
satisfied with self-service'

What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy and...* *
Wife on the cover of 'missing persons'

Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.*

Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell
a woman to take
off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

Woman complaining to dentist: 'It's so painful,
I'll rather have a baby than
have a tooth removed.'
Dentist: 'Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the
chair accordingly. '

Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone
to read :* *
The engraver shortened it to: ' RETURNED UNOPENED

75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything and he had forgotten

JOKES - Selling Coke in Arab

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained
"When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...

First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And then these posters were pasted all over the place
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.

"The hell it should had!? said the salesman. Didn’t realize that Arabs read from right to left"

VIDEO - Pandan Mewah theif get hammer