Saturday, September 1, 2012

JOKES - Black magic

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket.

After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:

Are you not afraid? ...Concerned? ...Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said... "Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"

Friday, August 31, 2012

JOKES - Mushrooms

Once upon a time, there is a princess who have a lovely garden. She really loves it and spends a lot of time playing in the garden.

One day, one of the guard suddenly got an idea.He buried himself under the ground and only let his penis stuck out like a mushroom.

The princess was really surprised to find a weird looking mushroom that she have never seen before in her beloved garden. Out of curiosity she began to poke it, pull it and become really surprised when the mushroom seems to respond to her touch. It must be a magical mushroom she thinks and began to roughly pulling at it and etc. Suddenly a weird white liquid splurt out of the mushroom and it began to wilt again. "What a weird kind of plant this is" she thinks to her self while rubbing the gooey white liquid.

That night, surrounded by his colleague the guard proudly boasts to his friend on how he gets the princess to play with his penis until he came all over her. Enthusiasms runs high in the barracks that night with none of them getting a wink of sleep at all.

The next morning, the princess enthusiastically rush to her garden to experiment more with her new magical mushroom that she found yesterday.

But to her surprise, her whole garden was suddenly invaded by this weird mushroom, it's like an epidemic that's out of control.

Her assistant, seeing the princess stunned by the sudden invasion of the mushroom on her lovely garden began to shout orders.


JOKES - Barbie dolls

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied, "Which one? We have, 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95 ...

'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ...

'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...

'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...

'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ...

and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.

And the manager replies is ....
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

JOKES - Skiing

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

JOKES - 69

After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Jerry remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pus$y on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times and on top of that gargled 1 liter of Listerine.

As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 2 strong mints. His turn came up & the dentist told him to take a seat.

Feeling confident and relaxed, Jerry opened his mouth wide.

The dentist got close enough and said,
"Man, did you have 69 before you came here?"
Jerry said, "Does my breath smell like pu$sy?"

The dentist replied,

"No, your forehead smells like shit."

JOKES - A letters to God

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses.
One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought,
"I better open this one and see what it's all about."

So he opened it and it read:
"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse.
It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check." "Next Sunday is Easter,
and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with."
"I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his
wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they
put into an envelope and sent over to her.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done. Easter came
and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around
while the letter was opened.

It read:
"Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?" "Because of your generosity, I was
able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
" "By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office."

JOKES - 24 inches

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around the penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"

"'s turned black."