Thursday, May 27, 2010

JOKES - The big game hunter

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal’s skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.

This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle."

He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So they blindfolded him again, ve! ry thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308."

He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn’t get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?"

His wife replied angrily, "From me!"

"What did I do?" he asked.

She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, 'Skunk, killed with an axe!'"

JOKES - Mengenal Nombor

Seorang Guru Tadika bertanya kepada anak muridnya...

Guru : "Siapa didalam kelas ini yang mengenal nombor?"

Razif : "Saya Cikgu"

Guru : "Apa betul awak kenal nombor-nombor?" ! ;

Razif : "Ya Cikgu.. Saya telah belajar dengan ayah"

Guru : "Baiklah.. mari kita lihat... selepas 3..berapa?"

Razif : "4"

Guru : "Bagus... Selepas 6?"

Razif : "7"

Guru : "Ya.. Bagus.. selepas 9?"

Razif : "10"

Guru : "Ya.. Bagus sekali... nampaknya ayahmu benar-benar mengambil berat tentang pelajaran kamu.. Okeylah.. Akhir sekali..

selepas sepuluh.. berapa?"

Razif : "Jack, Queen, & King"

P/S : Haha must be learn from Genting Uncle Lim

JOKES - China is the world's only country, cannot mess with


Bin Laden said: China is the world's only country we

absolutely cannot mess with


The reason is this: al-Qaeda terrorists had made 8 attacks

on the Chinese with the following results:


One person was to explode a bomb in Beijing Xizhimen (the

main northwest gate of Beijing) but he lost his way in the

three-dimensional traffic bridge;


One person in Shanghai was to take a bus to explode a

suicide bomb in the bus, but it was so crowded he could not get into a bus for

two hours;


One person was to bomb a supermarket in Wuhan, but found

that the bomb remote control was stolen;


One person wanted to bomb government buildings in Chengdu,

but was stopped at the door by the security staff and arrested as an East

Turkistan separatist, and was beaten and interrogated;



One person succeeded in bombing a Hebei mine, with hundreds

of people dead and wounded, and then returned to the al-Qaeda center, but

even after six months, failed to see any news reports on the success of

the bombing ,he was considered by the organization to claim a false victory and was executed

(this is the most pathetic!);


One person had tried to bomb Guangzhou, but as he came off

the train, a motorcycle robber (flying car robber) snatched his bag

(containing the bomb) from him;



One person who arrived in Xi'an lost contact, and was

later found at the hospital in a state of coma. Doctors said it was the result of

him eating not only "black-hearted" food products, but he also drank

fake alcohol, and would possibly turn into a "vegetable" (vegetative state);


Later, bin Laden tried to send a female terrorist to blow up Hainan Island,

but she was cheated into prostitution!


Finally, bin Laden have to say: Remember! ! China is the

world's only country we absolutely cannot mess with!

The lazy Power Ranger

JOKES - 2 Nuns

Two African nuns have just arrived in USA by boat.

One says to the other nun, ‘”I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs!!”

“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

As they sit on a bench in a nearby park, they hear a pushcart vendor yell,” Get your dogs here!” – — and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

“Two dogs please.” says one.

The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs’.

The Mother Superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment, she leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously…“What part did you get?”

JOKES - Soldier and a Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt?… I’ll explain later!!”

The nun agreed.

A moment later, two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way!!”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, Sister! You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq .”

The nun said, “I understand completely.”

The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”

The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls!!…..I don’t want to go to Iraq either!”

JOKES - 3 lost guy and a genie lamp

There were 3 men managed to save their life while their plane got spoiled and fall into the sea. All of them swam to an island nearby and started to looks for food. While they tried looking for whatever that could be eaten, they found a lamp and rubbed it.

A genie came out from the lamp and offering 3 wishes for them.

Guy 1 say he is worried about his family that staying so far from here and he is missing them. He hopes that he could return to his house. And guy 1 went back home and join his family for dinner.

Guy 2 say that he is an orphan and don't have anyone he should take care of. therefore he wishes to go to a with leng lui paradise.

And he went to a paradise which full of bikini girls....

lastly guy 3 is confused where should he go... and he say 'I don't know where should I go.... I wish 2 of them will come back and help me think where should I head to'.
P/S : I think those 2 will cannibalize him LOL

JOKES - Ah Beng story

Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?

Because below 18 not allowed Lah !

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.

Ah Beng : "Do you have color TV ?"

Salesgirl : "Yes !" Ah Beng : "Give me a green one, please" -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job.

He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc.

Then he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure of the question.

After much thought, he writes " Yes "

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.

Ah Beng : "What is that shiny object ?"

Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."

Ah Beng : "What does it do ?"

Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

Ah Beng : "I'll buy it"

The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask

Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"

Ah Beng : "It's a thermos flask."

Boss : "What does it do ?"

Ah Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

Boss : "What do you have in it !?"

Ah Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his picture is being taken.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Why can't Ah Beng dial 911?

Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it.

When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' command after some tries.

Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer retailer for support.

Ah Beng : "I press the 'F1' key for help lah, but it's been over half an hour and still nobody come and help me Lah ?!"

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.

The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah - but

instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it

to my ear, lah" "Oh dear !" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But ..

what happened to the other ear ?"

Ah Beng answered : "That stupid dumbo called back, lah !!!!"

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.



Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..."


-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.

"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Ah Beng brags.

"FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims.


-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

At a bar in New York , the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE"

and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE".

The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?"

Ah Beng replies : "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED lah"

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

JOKES - No Swimming

A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.

"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.

He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."

JOKES - 100 year old make love

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling…

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble..

“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny.

“Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm.

Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along!”

JOKES - High tech milking machine

Lewis's cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected one gallons

JOKES - The unhappy man

A man lost both of his arms in a car accident. When he recovered in the hospital, he found that he was useless and decided to commit suicide by jumping out of a 10th-story window. As he looked down from the window, he saw a man with no arms just like him dancing wildly and happily on the street. He decided to find out what made this man so happy.

Arriving on the street, he asked, "Hey, brother, stop dancing for a minute and tell what your secret is that you are so happy."

The dancing man responded, "What do you mean, happy? Hell no! I feel itchy like hell in my ass, but I can't reach it."

JOKES - I like your thinking

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

Monday, April 12, 2010

JOKES - When they're small....

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the tracks, with some internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After months in the hospital recovering, he was at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the tea kettle whistling. He grabbed a baseball bat from the nearby closet and bashed the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen, saw what had happened, and asked the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replied, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

JOKES - Why Chinese is good at business

Ah Beng (the father) says to his son. . . ‘I want you to marry a girl of my choice.’

The son says, ‘I will choose my own bride!!!’

Ah Beng says, ‘But the girl is Bill Gates’ daughter.’

Son answers, ‘Well, in that case . . . ok.’

Next Ah Beng approaches Bill Gates and says, ‘I have a husband for your daughter…’

Bill Gates answers, ‘But my daughter is too young to marry!!’

Ah Beng says, ‘But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank’

Bill Gates answers, ‘Ah, in that case . . ok.’

Finally, Ah Beng goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Ah Beng says, ‘I have a young man to recommend as a vice-president.’

The president answers, ‘But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!’

Ah Beng says, ‘But this young man is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.’

The president answers: ‘Ah, in that case . . . ok.’

And that, my friends, is how Chinese do business!

JOKES - The Barber

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in

the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the

shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?*

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About

an hour and a half .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob,

do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a

haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop,

laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your house!'

Shake it off and take a step up

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.

Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.

He was astonished at what he saw.

With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.

He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.

The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.

Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.

We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred – Forgive.

Free your mind from worries – Most “worries” actually never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

JOKES - Sudden divorce

An elderly man in Boston calls his son in Los Angeles and says: "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says: "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in St. Louis and tell her!" and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts: "I'll take care of this."

She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man: "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. OK," he says: "They're coming home for the holidays and they're paying their own airfares!"

JOKES - Girl with the congressman

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when the he turned to her and said,

'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

'OK,' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?

Monday, April 5, 2010

Amazing picture

If you see that's Einstein that's mean u didn't face short sighteness. If you see Marilyn Monroe that mean you face short sighteness

Monday, March 22, 2010

JOKES - Tiger wood

JOKES - Prostitute Parrot

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"'

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots. I have taught them to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will also learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Jack. Our prayers have been answered!"

JOKES - Saudi Prince

Saudi Prince goes to Germany to study.

A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:

"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,

but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school

with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a 1 billion dollar check saying:

"Stop embarrassing us!

go and get yourself a train too!"

JOKES - A case for the FBI

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.


"Hello, is this FBI?"

"Yes, What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house.

"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"


"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yeah they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Monday, March 15, 2010

NEWS - Malaysian hidden billionaire?

Interestingly, in the just released Forbes List of the World’s Richest, it was reported that Malaysia has the most number of billionaires in South-East Asia.

So there must certainly be even more millionaires in the country.

The taxman certainly knows who they are – but is still trying to persuade a number of them to settle their dues.

I wonder if they have made much progress with the top defaulter, a millionaire from Penang who supposedly owes the Inland Revenue Board more than RM36mil.

Actually, when we already have a good number of billionaires in our midst, becoming a millionaire seems to be much less elusive
Malaysia got so many hidden billionaire ??

Sunday, March 14, 2010

NEWS - Girl post Advert finding BF, Thousand of men invade

So many men... Thousands answer Chinese college girl's plea for a boyfriend

By Mail Foreign Service

She was probably hoping at least one, possible two, might respond.

But when a Chinese student posted a message at college saying she wanted a boyfriend, they came in their droves.

Instead of looking down from her balcony on a romantic scene as her potential suitor waited below, Zhang Mengqian was confronted with a huge mob

Hello boys: Crowd of men went to Chinese student Zhang Mengqian's dorm building after she posted a message about wanting a boyfriend

Single: College student Zhang Mengqian

Thousands of bachelors descended on the campus of University of Electronic Science and Technology in Chengdu, Sichuan Province, after she put her plea on a message board.

The gathering came after the university, which has a ration of 25 male students to every female, declared a 'girls' day'.

Each female student was handed a blank card and told to write their wish on it.

All the cards were then posted on a 'wish wall'.

Zhang wrote: 'My name is Zhang Mengqian, a grade one student, and I think I am attractive, but strangely I can't find a boyfriend. However I believe in destiny.

'If you have the same wish, please come under my dormitory building and shout for my name between 12:30 and 12:50 on March 11, 2010 and I will observe you secretly up on the building.'

She added: 'If you're my type, I'll come down to meet you.'

Word soon spread and by noon of March 11, swarms of male students were outside the dormitory building.

But only a few completed the second part of the task - to shout out her name.

Perhaps unsurprisingly given the huge crowd, Zhang did not descend from her room

Thursday, March 11, 2010

JOKES - Rich and the poor



JOKES - Made in Japan

Once a Japanese tourist came to visit Malaysia. After a few days of touring around Malaysia, it was time to return home. He caught a taxi and asked the driver to fetch him to KLIA.

On the way to KLIA, a Toyota overtakes the taxi and disappears very quickly.

The Japanse remarks : Toyota! Made in Japan! Very Fast!

Soon, a Nissan zoomed pass the car.

Wow! Nissan! Made in Japan! Very Fast! The Japanese said

The Taxi Driver started to get frustrated as he was only driving a cheap Proton Saga.

Then as they were turning into KLIA, a Mitsubishi, again, like the other cars, went zoomed pass the Taxi.

Whoa! Mitsubishi! Made in Japan! Very, very fast! said the Japanese.

They reached the front of the airport. The Japanese takes a look at the Taxi Meter, and is shocked.

Japanese : *Pointing to the Meter* Why so expensive?

Taxi Driver : Taxi Meter! Made in Japan! Very Fast

JOKES - Anatomy Class

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were attending their first Anatomy class, with a real dead pig.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a White sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a Doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the Animal body'. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead pig, withdrew it and stuck his Finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his Students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead pig and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The Second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!!!

Moral of the story: Life's Tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.

JOKES - Who's Bubba?

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubb on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise! , I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss ! has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Wor king his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

Thursday, February 25, 2010

JOKES - Seing the panties

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"

The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

JOKES - Guy vs Girl

Girls -- Please have a sense of humour!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.


One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit..'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b**** knows I'm smarter than her.

JOKES - How to call police

How to call the Police


George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian , Mississippi , was

going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in

the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should

lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'

residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Don't mess with old people.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

JOKES - Old Cinderella

Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". ! The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgottenvigor and vitality began to course through her.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man".

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen,so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Ci! nderella . Enjoy your new life."

And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"

Friday, February 5, 2010

JOKES - Halloween Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. Wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said:

Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.

Did you dance much?

I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

JOKES - Couple in Church

A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by the husband's snoring decided to bring a needle and poke him when he nods off.

The next week the husband as always fell asleep. When the preacher asked "Who created the earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th". The wife stuck her husband and he jumped up and exclaimed "Oh my God!". The preacher said " That's correct". The husby soon fell asleep again. Then the preacher asked "And who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?". The wife stuck her husband again when he jumped up and said "Jesus Christ!". The preacher said "Right again".

With this the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act. The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife when the preacher said "What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?". The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped and exclaimed "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'm going to break it in half!"

Everyone in the church got shocked and said Amen...

JOKES - Hooker

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job", Harry reply.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ......

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

JOKES - History Education

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named

Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who


'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand


'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall

not perish from the Earth?''

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.

'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.

Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history

than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer,1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,


Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to

the teacher,

'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little ****. If you

say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice,

'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on

the floor, someone said, 'Oh ****, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'

JOKES - Secret box

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband kept under their bed.

The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't.

In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, "Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?"

He replied, "Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box." Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.

"But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?" she asked.

"Well, every time I got a dozen egg, I sold it."

JOKES - 3 vampires

Three vampires wanted to compare who was better, so the first vampire rushed off with lightning speed, and came back with blood on his clothes.

1st Vampire : You see that person? I sucked all the blood out of him!

Then the 2nd vampire rushed off too with lightning speed, and came back with even more blood on the clothes.

2nd Vampire : You see that whole village? I sucked all the blood out of them!

Then the 3rd vampire rushed off with lightning speed, and came back with his face full of blood

3rd Vampire : You see that tree?! I didn't see it!


The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test.

He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in.

They place animal informants throughout the forest.

They question all plant and mineral witnesses.

After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.

After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.

The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.

They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.

The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

JOKES - Pregnant

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?"

"How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher.

"Forty." she replies.

"Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

"Well, dear, how old is your sister?"

The little girl answers, "Nineteen."

"Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

"How old are you, dear?"

The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old."

"No, dear, you can't get pregnant..."

Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

Thursday, January 28, 2010

NEWS - Top10 Dirtiest Hotel in Asia

Dirtiest Hotels - Asia

(based on TripAdvisor traveler reviews)

* 1. Phi Phi Don Chukit Resort, Ko Phi Phi Don, Thailand

* 2. Raj Residency, Chennai (Madras), India

* 3. Goldkist Beach Resort, Singapore, Singapore

* 4. Mahkota Hotel Melaka, Melaka, Malaysia

* 5. Centaur Hotel, IGI Airport, New Delhi, India

* 6. Tatami Hampton Hotel, Hong Kong, China

* 7. Pearl of the Pacific Boracay Resort & Spa, Boracay, Philippines

* 8. First Hotel Bankok, Bangkok, Thailand

* 9. Seri Costa Hotel-Resort, Melaka, Malaysia

* 10. Royal Peacock Hotel, Singapore, Singapore

SINGAPORE: -- Two hotels in Thailand tops the 2010 edition of TripAdvisor's list of the dirtiest hotels in Asia.

The site lists Phi Pho Don Chukit Resort as the filthiest, and First Hotel Bangkok as a good number eight.

Bad smells, unidentified splatters on walls, bed bugs and and bare wires hanging from light fittings are among the complaints left on travel website about some of the places named on its annual 'Dirtiest Hotels' lists.

The ten dirtiest hotels in Asia, Canada, Europe, France, Italy, the United Kingdom and the United States have been named in this year's lists, which were compiled based on reviews from unimpressed travellers.

Phi Phi Don Chukit Resort in Thailand took the dubious honour of being named dirtiest hotel in Asia.

"I don't think I can say anymore than this is the worst place I have ever stayed in my whole entrie [sic] life," one person wrote.

"Cockroaches...smelly.......yuk! Never ever stay here unless...well no...never ever stay here!!!"

Another review was entitled "Ruined our holidays, Disgusting place, terrible service".

Last year's Asia list specified that it also covered the Pacific region though it's not clear whether that is also the case this year.

A number of hotels named in the latest round-up of squalid accommodation have also been singled out in the past.

First Hotel Bangkok was deemed the dirtiest hotel in Asia last year but has dropped to number eight on this year's list.

Two London hotels named among the three worst in the United Kingdom last year - the Cromwell Crown and the Corbigoe Hotel - were again named among the 10 dirtiest in both the UK and Europe.

After the Cromwell topped last year's UK list it was visited by a reviewer from the Times, who concluded that it wasn't just the worst hotel in Britain but possibly "the worst hotel in the world".

However it was surpassed in the filth stakes this year by the Grosvenor Hotel in Blackpool, which was named the dirtiest in Europe.

"The room we stayed in was a minger," read one review from a person who claimed it was the worst hotel they'd stayed in for 20 years.

"Room hadn't been cleaned for ages, curtains / sheets were scruffy, tv didn't work, shower was covered in mould and ceiling tiles were collapsing," it continued.

The Grosvenor's proprietor, Chirag Khajuria, told local news website The Gazette he felt the reviews left on Tripadvisor were "unfair". are an operating company of Expedia, Inc. and listed on the Nasdaq Exchange (NASDAQ: EXPE).

True story - What should I do to marry a rich guy?


A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum in New York:-

"I am going to be honest of what i am going to say here. I am 25 this year. I am very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a rich guy with $500,000.00 annual salary or above. You might say i am greedy but an annual salary of $1 million is considered only as a middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. ... See More

Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500K annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should i do to marry rich persons like you? Among those i have dated, the richest is $250K annual income and this is my upper limit. This is not going to be enough if you live in posh area of New York.

I am here humbly to ask a few questions:

1. Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)

2. Which age group should i target?

3. Why most wives of the riches are only average looking? I have met girls who don't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.

4. How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married).

Thank you.

Ms Pretty

A CEO of an investment bank replies Ms Pretty's posting:

"Dear Ms Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor. ... See More

My annual income is more than $500K, which meets your requirement, so i hope everyone believes that i am not wasting my time here. From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you.

The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you are trying to do is an exchange of 'beauty' and 'money'. You provide 'beauty' and i pay (money) for it, fair and square.

However, there is a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, i am an appreciation asset and you are depreciation asset. It is not just a normal depreciation, but an exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worse 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a 'trading position'. If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for a long term - same goes with the marriage you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or 'leased'.

Anyone with over $500K annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you.

I would advise that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500K annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in 'leasing' services, do contact me.

Best Wishes,

CEO Investment Bank."

(true story)