Monday, December 21, 2009

JOKES - Caught by Cannibal

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a




trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways



to gather fruits.



The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits



up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."



The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.



The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be



easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.



The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one



replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with durians."

JOKES - Naming the twins

A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.




"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."



"Oh shit, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"



"Denise," the doctor replies.



Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"



The doctor answers, "Denephew."

JOKES - Sex Frog

A blonde, June, goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.






The girl, June, excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions! ' The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:





1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down inbetween your legs, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.



She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens!



The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . Please call the pet store.'



So, she calls the pet store.



The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.



The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'



The man . . . Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONLY ONE .. MORE ... TIME!!!' OK ?

JOKES - Greatest Chinese torture

A man is traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night. After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers. The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese guy agrees -- as long as he doesn't screw his granddaughter. Before the traveler can agree, the old man warns him that if he does screw his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him. The traveler says okay, and the man lets him in.




When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her.



The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, "First Chinese torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest." Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of it. He picks up the rock and throws it out the window. On the back of the rock, there is another sign reading "Second Chinese torture: right ball tied to rock." Thinking quickly, the traveler jumps out the window. On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading, "Third Chinese torture: left nut tied to bed post."

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

JOKES - Russian Roulette vs African Roulette

The foreign minister of a small African state had opportunity to visit Russia for the very first time.




There he was warmly welcomed by his Russian counterpart, who wined and dined him and generally offered him the best hospitality that Russia could offer.



On his last day, the Russian foreign minister took the African foreign minister into a room with a table on which lay a revolver.



'My comrade, since you are about to leave, I must introduce you to a custom we have here in Russia , something called Russian roulette.



It is a true test of manhood and worth, and how it works is that you must take the revolver, spin the cylinders, hold the revolver to your head and then pull the trigger.



Only one of the six chambers is loaded.'



The African leader, being of proud warrior stock and a courageous man, took the revolver, spun the cylinder, snapped it shut, pointed it at his head and sighed with relief when all he heard was 'click', but no shot.



Well impressed with his bravery, he and the Russian drank vodka until the African leader had to be carried aboard his plane.



Six months later the Russian foreign minister visits the African foreign minister¹s country.



The African, remembering keenly the Russian roulette he had to play previously, took the Russian into a room on the last day of his visit. In the room were six beautiful, naked young women.



'To prove your courage and manhood, see before you six of the most beautiful women from each of our tribes.



This is something I call 'African roulette'. You may pick any one of them and they will give you a blowjob.'



The Russian, not too averse to this idea at all, asks the African, 'But where is the risk? To be called roulette there must be some form of risk involved.'



The African smiles broadly.



'One of the six is a cannibal.'

JOKES - Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.




Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."



Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."



"What does that tell you?"



Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past 3. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"



Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Monday, November 23, 2009

JOKES - Smart Chinese man

Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and


asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer

that he is going to China on business for two weeks

and needs to borrow $5,000.



The bank officer tells him that the bank will need

some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man

hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the

street in front of the bank. He produces the title and

everything checks out.



The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as

collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its

officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for

using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a

$5,000 loan.



An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into

the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two

weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000

and the interest, which comes to $15.41.



The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to

have had your business, and this transaction has

worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that

you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why

you would bother to borrow $5, 000.The Chinese

replies:



"Where else in New York City can I park my car for

two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there

safely when I return

Friday, November 20, 2009

JOKES - Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store
operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights.



There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular
floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.


*********

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.


*********

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
extremely good looking.


" Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


*********

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"


*********

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:


*********

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit
the building, and have a nice day!

Now there is more reason to stay SLIM

I have often heard that it may actually be harmful for the health if a girl diets too much and become skinny. And of course I have also heard about how being too fat can cause a variety of lifestyle diseases. But this news from Peru is new, and horrible. Perhaps this may become the new motivation to stay slim.



Four people have been arrested in Peru on suspicion of taking the lives of dozens of people in order to sell their fat and tissue for cosmetic uses in Europe.

The Republic of Peru is a country in western South America. It is bordered on the north by Ecuador and Colombia, on the east by Brazil, on the southeast by Bolivia, on the south by Chile, and on the west by the Pacific Ocean.

This Peruvian gang allegedly targeted people on remote roads, luring them with fake job offers before extracting their fat to sell it for US$15,850 (S$22,027) a litre.

Other suspected gang members, including two Italian nationals, remain on the loose.

The Peruvian police claimed that the gang could be behind the disappearances of more than 50 people in their country.

Police said they suspect the fat was sold to cosmetics and pharmaceutical companies in Europe, but currently do not have any evidences.

Monday, November 16, 2009

VIDEO - Thai most pretty SHEMALE

Her name is Nong Poy , she is the most perfect shemale had ever made





JOKES - Choosing Priest

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was
for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a
sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told
that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not
be ordained because it would be a sign that he had not reached a state
of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests
until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos! As she danced,
his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off his weenie, clattered
across the ground, and came to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up...........................
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.......and all the other bells started to ring.

JOKES - Mad Cow Disease

A TV INTERVIEW WHICH WAS NEVER AIRED IN THE UK ...........

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: "I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you
offer any reason for this disease?"

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter (obviously embarrassed) : "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information.. but what's the relation
between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"

Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day ...

and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

The program was never aired .....

JOKES - School lesson

Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me Janice, who created the universe?" When Janice didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good" and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, "Who is our Lord and Saviour." But, Janice didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Janice and the teacher said, "Very good," and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, "If you stick me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half and stick it up your ass!"

... the teacher fainted!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

JOKES - Weather prediction

It was autumn and the Red Indians at a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it Going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

JOKES - Pay your bill

The Itch
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try... One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.


Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story............

Pay your bills.

Monday, November 2, 2009

JOKES - Marriage fairy

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.

During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90

JOKES - Sharing

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for
the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered.... "The teeth"

JOKES - Marriage choice

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry
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the one with the biggest breasts. hahahaha

JOKES - Half Sister

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives only a street away and her name is Susan Hoffman." After dinner, George's dad took him aside and said, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, and she's a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I fooled around with other women a lot. Susan Hoffman is actually your half sister, so I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted. After eight months, he started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news: "Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hah," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father!"

JOKES - Some hamsap jokes

(1) DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady,
I'll turn into stone.* *
A part of me is getting hard already!

(2) NAMES OF WIVES
A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife.....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !

(3) HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME
This is how India got its name.....
The king was having sex with his mistress while thinking a
name of his
country and his mistress ask him* *
'In Dear?'...

(4) RESEARCH FINDING
Research shows men are fatter than women because
every-night men get fresh
milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2
peanuts & 1 tea-spoon
of starch!

(5) ARAB MAN
An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.* *
'Your name pls'?
'Abdul Aziz '
'Sex? '
'Six times a week!! '
'No, no, I mean male or female! '
'Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !'

(6) SERVICE
Sex is like a restaurant.
Sometimes you get full satisfactory service and sometimes
you have to be
satisfied with self-service'

(7) HAPPY MAN
What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy and...* *
Wife on the cover of 'missing persons'

(8) SWIMSUIT
Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.*

(9) GOOD AMBITION
Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell
a woman to take
off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

(10) DENTIST
Woman complaining to dentist: 'It's so painful,
I'll rather have a baby than
have a tooth removed.'
Dentist: 'Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the
chair accordingly. '

(11) VIRGIN
Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone
to read :* *
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: ' RETURNED UNOPENED


(12) OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - why???
Coz she didn't know anything and he had forgotten
everything.

JOKES - Selling Coke in Arab

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained
"When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters...



First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand...totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And then these posters were pasted all over the place
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.

"The hell it should had!? said the salesman. Didn’t realize that Arabs read from right to left"

VIDEO - Pandan Mewah theif get hammer

Friday, October 30, 2009

JOKES - Vital question

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation.

A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown,holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says slowly, "That was very nice but listen very, very closely! ARE. MY.TEST.RESULTS.BACK"

JOKES - Wife should angry or not?

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!

I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'

‘If you must,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I notice d that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'


The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Broadband war - Streamyx vs P1 Wimax who will win?


Ok you guy should be familiar with this P1 advertisement "sudah potong"? LOL this ads is really so great and did affect alot on Streamyx.


Now Streamyx is angry and decide to strike back.


 


LOL, Streamyx will not lose too. They make some excellent comeback with this ads. Yeah you have to find a good spot to place your modem if you are using wireless. And the main point of this ads is , this uncle 80% look like P1 Wimax CEO Michael Lai




P1 Wimax CEO Michale Lai
Hahahaha Streamyx got some good strategy here to strike back on P1 Wimax
Hmmm Let see now how will P1 Wimax make a comeback.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Lockerz who want to join?





Anyone interested to join? This is a invite-only site. After u register be member u can earn point to redeem prize like PSP, Iphone ,PS3, XBOX, branded handbag and alot alot more. Everyday u login u earn 2 point , you answer their question u earn 2 point. You invite friend u can earn 2 point , after get all this point to redeem prize like below :






HP laptop - 800 pointz

Apple iphone - 800 pointz



PSP Go Black - 675 pointz

Xbox 360 - 675 pointz

PS3 - 625 pointz

Amazon Egift card 300euro - 500 ptz

DSC-W220/P Sony Cybershot - Pink - 500 ptz



and alot alot more ...... . If you interested to join pls email back me and i will invite you. Thanks

gamma2k@hotmail.com

News - Baby born on plane named after AirAsia

Baby born on plane named after AirAsia

SEPANG: The baby boy, who created national headlines when he was born on an AirAsia plane, has been named Asia Liew Ya Hang.

His mother Liew Siaw Hsia said the Chinese name ‘Ya Hang’ means ‘AirAsia’ in Mandarin.

“It’s the best name I can give my son who was the first baby born on the airline’s plane,” she said in a statement yesterday.

The mother and baby are currently at the Putrajaya Hospital.

Asia Liew Ya Hang was safely delivered on board Flight AK 6506 on Oct 21 when the aircraft was about 800m in the air.

The flight from Penang to Kuching was diverted to the low-cost carrier terminal here when Liew went into premature labour.

The airline has presented Liew and the baby free flight tickets for life to celebrate the birth.

NEWS - Property gains tax makes comeback

THE Government has proposed to reimpose real property gains tax (RPGT) for gains arising from property disposal.
Based on the Finance Bill, disposal within two years of acquisition will be taxed 30%; in the third year, it will be 20%; in the fourth year 15%, while disposal within five years and beyond will still be subject to 5% tax.
The latest measure, which will come into effect in January next year, has been described as “a knock-out punch” by Deloitte Malaysia country tax leader, Ronnie Lim.
“It was merely four short sentences in the 2010 Budget speech. However, that short reference to RPGT carried a knock-out punch,” Lim said in a statement yesterday.
He pointed out that from the speech itself, many would have thought that a low rate of tax of 5% would apply to most gains arising from disposals of real property.
“Be prepared for a shock – this is not the case and the highest rate of RPGT will be 30%,” he said.
Most rates of RPGT from January 2010 will be restored to those prevailing immediately before its suspension in April 2007.
Lim said one notable difference was that the exemption from tax for disposals after the fifth year of acquisition has been removed.
“Even where a property was purchased over 20 years ago, a gain on disposal from 2010 will attract 5% RPGT (without any indexation of acquisition price to reflect current purchasing power of the ringgit),” he said, adding that a flurry of property transactions could be expected soon.
Concurring with Lim, OCBC Bank Bhd director and chief executive officer Jeffrey Chew described the measure as a counter-productive move in efforts to encourage property investments among local and foreign investors, particularly to attract real estate investment trust investors.
“Furthermore, this would make Malaysia’s property market less attractive compared to other neighbouring countries in the region despite our property prices being among the lowest in the region,” Chew said.
However, Khong & Jaafar Sdn Bhd managing director Elvin Fernandez gave the thumbs up to the RPGT, saying “it shows that Malaysia, like other Asian countries, is not for unfettered speculation.”
“The RPGT is an anti-speculative tool, not a revenue earner for Government coffers,” he added.
To promote home ownership and enhance the people’s quality of life, the Government has also proposed a scheme to allow Employees Provident Fund (EPF) contributors to utilise their current and future savings in Account 2 for home purchase.
Meanwhile, to encourage green technology in the property sector, building owners obtaining Green Building Index (GBI) Certificates from Oct 24 until Dec 31 will be given income tax exemption equivalent to the additional capital expenditure in obtaining such certificates.
Those purchasing buildings with GBI certificates from developers will be given stamp duty exemption on instruments of transfer of ownership.
The exemption amount is equivalent to the additional cost incurred in obtaining the GBI certificates. This exemption is given to buyers who execute the sale and purchase agreement from Oct 24 until Dec 31, 2014.
And to promote rehabilitation of abandoned housing projects, the Government will consider extending appropriate financial assistance to rehabilitate low and medium-cost houses based on the existing project list.
An allocation of RM200mil will be provided under the housing and local government ministry.
Under the Government’s initiative to provide housing facilities for the low and middle-income groups, the National Housing Department will provide 74,000 low-cost houses to be rented in 2010.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

JOKES - Trick to apply leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker asked me what I was doing.
I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker followed me out, the Boss asked him 'And where do you think you're going?'



He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'

JOKES - Make her feel like a woman

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?" Eagerly, she shakes her head and exclaims, "Yes!" The man hands her his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."

JOKES - Drunk Man

A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender, "Bartender get me a tequila!" The bartender gets him a tequila.

The old man drinks it as fast as he can.

Then he looks around the bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers.

He points at one of them and says "You! I have slept with your mother!" The man looks at the old man then goes about drinking his beer.

Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"

The bartender gets him another tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can.

Then he looks over at the three men. He points at another man and shouts

"You! Your mother gives me a blow job!"

The second man looks at the old man, then goes about drinking his beer.

Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"

This time the bartender says "No, old man, you have had enough."

"Just one more!!" yells the old man.

So the bartender gets him one more tequila.

The old man drinks it as fast as he can.

Then looks at the three men. He points at the third man and shouts

"You! I eat out your mother!" The third man looks at the old man then looks at the other two men.

All three of them get up and start walking over to the old man.

Then they say "Come on dad, you have had too much to drink..."

JOKES - The Genie

A drunkard jobless Indian stumbled onto a lamp. He rubbed on it and a magical genie Singh with a turban appeared and said "I grant you two wishes, Macha.." The Indian thought for a while and said "OK, I want to be rich like a Chinaman! Poof! When the smoke disappeared, the Indian was smartly dressed, hair jelled and combed back like Chow Yuen Fatt complete with handphone in hand. As he walked towards his brand new shiny Mercedes, he noticed his own reflection. Not only was he smartly dressed, he was also much fairer in complexion. The shocked Indian angrily summoned the genie and complained " Are you deaf or what? I said I wanted to be rich like a Chinaman, not become a Chinaman!" I don't want to be a Chinaman because they cheat, lie and con their way to become rich..." The genie reminded him that he's entitled to one more wish "What do you want then, Muthu?" To which Muthu quickly replied " I just want to be rich and I don't want to work!" Poof! He was transformed into a Bumiputra...

JOKES - Malaysian in Space

Malaysian in Space

Dr. Mahathir was about to send the first Malaysian rocket into space.

3 potential astronauts were called for an interview - one Indian, one Malay and one Chinese.

Dr. M interviews the Indian first: "So, Muthu, this is a dangerous mission... how much do you think you should be paid for it?"

Muthu thinks to himself and says, "1 million ringgit."
"Why so much?" asks Dr. M.
"Nowadays toddy wery expensive, Datuk..." replies Muthu.
"I see," said Dr. M. "Thank you... please ask the Malay guy to come here."
So the Malay walks up, and is asked the same question.
"Uh... 2 million boleh lah," replies the Malay applicant.
"2 million? That's a lot of money! Even the aneh before you only  asked for one million!"
"You see, Datuk," explained  Mat. "I have 4 wives and 15 children...so, 20 of us in the family, we need a lot of money to support ourselves..."
"I see," said Dr. M. "Okay, can you ask the Chinese guy to come up here now?"

The Chinese guy comes in and Dr. M asks, "Ah Chong, this is a dangerous mission... how much do you think you should be paid?"
Ah Chong thinks for a while, and suddenly says, "3 million."
Mahathir is shocked. "WHAT?!?! 3 million? Why so much?!"
Ah Chong beckons Dr. M to come closer, and whispers, "One million you keep, one million I keep, and then one more million to send the aneh into space."

Friday, October 23, 2009

VIDEO - Sing song to order McD

JOKES - $10,000 dollar breast

A little old man is walking down the street one afternoon, when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000 dollars?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000 dollars...; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'


"Nah," says the little old man ... "Costs too much!"

JOKES - Tiger wood

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

JOKES - What is politic?

A little boy looks up at his father and asks, “Dad, what’s politics?”

Dad says, “Well, son, let me try to explain it to you this way.” I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me “Capitalism.” Your Mom is the administrator of the household, so we’ll call her “The Government.” We’re here to take care of your needs so we’ll call you “The People.” The nanny works hard all day for very little money so, we’ll consider her “The Working Class.” And your baby brother… we’ll call him “The Future.”

Now, think about that and see if it makes sense. So, the little boy goes off to bed, thinking about what his Dad has said. Later that night he hears his baby brother crying so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks through the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words, what you think politics is about.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future stinks.

JOKES - Human is realistic

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.


The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you?

I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man

with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You f uck her again."

VIDEO - If I have 100mbps

JOKES - Sex is.....

Sex is...




"Duty", if done with your wife



"Art", if done with your lover



"Education", if done with a virgin



"Business Trasaction", if done with a prostitute



"Social Work", if done with a divorcee



"Charity", if done with a widow, and



"Pity", if done with your own hand

Thursday, October 22, 2009

JOKES - Mental Hospital call menu

"Hello and thank you for calling Tanjung Rambutan Mental Hospital.




Please select from the following menu options:



If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.



If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.



If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.



If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on

the line so we can trace your call.



If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to

the MotherShip.



If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will

tell you which number to press.



If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you

press, nothing will make you happy anyway.



If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.



If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before

the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.



If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term

memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.



If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too

busy to talk with you.



If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan,

lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.



If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.”

Jokes - Type writer

A husband and wife decided they needed to use ‘code’ to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.




They decided on the word Typewriter.



One day the husband told his five year old daughter, ‘Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter’.



The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, ‘Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.’



The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.



A few days later the mom told the daughter, ‘Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.’



The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, ‘Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.’

Jokes - Why We Use English for IT?

Why Malaysian Government insists on using English for math and science?




This is because the whole world uses the language as an information and/or technology language. How dangerous it will be if we try to use Bahasa, especially in school. See example below:-



Hardware = barangkeras



Software = baranglembut



Joystick =

batang gembira



Plug and Play =

cucuk dan main



Port =

lubang



Server =

pelayan



Client =

pelanggan



Try to translate this:



ENGLISH:

That server gives a plug and play service to the client using either hardware or software joystick. The joystick goes into the port of the client.



Now in BAHASA:



Pelayan itu memberi pelanggannya layanan cucuk dan main dengan menggunakan batang gembira jenis keras atau lembut. Batang gembira itu akan dimasukkan ke dalam lubang pelanggan..





Now you know...WHY...

Joke - Ouchhh

A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, ‘Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot.




Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party.’



The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, ‘This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night.



Let me know how it goes.’



The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step.



The pharmacist says, ‘What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?’



The guy replies, ‘Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).



The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, ‘Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis.



The skin is way too sensitive.’



The guy says, ‘No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm.’



Pharmacist: ‘What?? What happened?’



Guy replies, ‘Well.I drank the whole bottle of your potion.’



Pharmacist: ‘Oh my god, and then what ? ‘



‘The girls never showed up!’

Jokes - Don't simply kick

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny.




His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.



Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.



He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.



He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.



He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.



"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.



"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."



Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.



Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Jokes - A Daddy's Phone Call

A Daddy's Phone Call






**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**





**'Hello?'**





**'Hi honey.**

**This is Daddy.**

**Is Mommy near the phone?'**











**'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**







**After a brief pause,**







**Daddy says,**

**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**







**'Oh yes I do, he comes when you are not home and **

** Mommy told me to call him Uncle Paul **

**and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy,**

**Right now..'**







Brief Pause..







**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**

**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**

**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**

**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway..'**







**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**







**A few minutes later**

**The little girl comes back to the phone.**







**'I did it, Daddy.'**









**'And what happened, honey?' **









**'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on **

** and ran around screaming.**







**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**

**And now she isn't moving at all!'**







**'Oh my God!!! What about the Uncle Paul?'**









**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**













**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**

**And dived into the swimming pool.**

**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**

**Last week to clean the pool.**







**He hit the bottom of the pool with a big splat... and I think he's dead.'**







****Long Pause*****





















*****Longer Pause*****





















*****Even Longer Pause*****



















**Then Daddy says,**



















**'Swimming pool? ...........**



















**Is this 486-5731?'*







**No, I think you have the wrong number........*

Jokes - Ouch , pity the cat meOwww

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.




The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.



The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.



"That sure is a nice fire truck,"' the firefighter said with admiration.



"Thanks," the girl replied.



The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.



"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."



The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then wouldn't have a siren."

JOKES - Typical Malaysian

What Makes A Malaysian A Malaysian?




1. A typical young Malaysian can name all the players from a top
English Premier League club, but ask him to name one football player
from Malaysia, he cannot!


2. When StreamyX come, you complain StreamyX too slow. When Maxis
 Broadband come, you complain Maxis Broadband always disconnects. When
 WiMax come, you complain Wimax too expensive. In the end, you say
StreamyX still the best lah.



 3. When highway toll price increase, you complain. When petrol price
 increase, you complain. When you go Starbucks buy RM10 coffee, NO
COMPLAINTS.



 4. When you cannot find parking in a shopping mall and have to walk
 very far, you complain. When you go inside the shopping mall and
there's SALE, run from one end of 1Utama to the other, that one NO
COMPLAINT.



5. You are always late. And the excuse you give when you're late is
 always
 either: (a) traffic jam (b) no transport or © cannot find parking.



6. You have a parent who forces you to take science stream in high
school, study engineering in Uni, then when you graduate, they ask you
to forget everything you learnt in Uni and do commerce.....



7. You know someone who can specially develop an angmoh accent when
speaking to an American / British / Australian.



8. You complain against the government in kopitiam, you talk loud
loud.
Leave anonymous comments on blogs, you also talk loud loud. Attend
ceremah by DAP, you shout loud loud. Then when Opposition organise a
protest and ask you to go, you dun wan. Scared later kena tangkap by
ISA.



9. Every year on the 30th April, you are one of the people below
queuing up last minute to submit your tax return at the IRB.



10. When you pay RM10 for something that costs RM1, you blame the
Chinese.



11. When a government service is too slow, you blame the Malays.


12. When a building is not good and collapsed, you blame the

Indians....



13. When an angmoh stranger kisses you on the cheek to say hello, you

 very happy. When a Malaysian guy kisses you on the cheek to say hello,

you slap him in face.

JOKES - My dream girl

When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.




At 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion.



So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.



In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide so I decided I needed a girl with some stability.



I found a very stable girl, but she was boring, totally predictable and never 4got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.



I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.



So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.



Now all I want is a girl with large breasts.

JOKES - Bill Gate

As soon as Bill Gate passed away,his soul transported to a junction between Hell and Heaven..in utter confusion he heard God's voice




God : Bill Gates, your Microsoft product has brought many good things to humankind but also evil things. As that happens I gave you chance to choose whether to go to Heaven or the Hell



Bill Gates: Wow, I can choose? can i have a preview?



So God, with His mighty power show him what heavens like..



Bill Gates : God, it is so lame, all i can see is that a woman and man wearing white clothes and a white background, please..show me Hell!!!



So God, give him preview on what hell looks like. To Bill surprises, he can see a dozens of beautiful skimpy clad bikini chicks on the beach,with a beautiful sea shore and blue oceans...



Without hesitations, He want God to sent him straight to Hell...



Reappearing in Hell, He gets a shocked for all eternity when he saw flames everywhere and souls get tormented



Bill Gates : God,what happen to all the skimpy bikini chicks and the blue ocean?



God: Oh sorry, i left the screen saver open...

JOKES - A boy first condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package, and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’




So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.. It was empty.



‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse, and removed it. She un-hooked her bra, and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.



Well, I was so dumb-struck, that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.



‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back, and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.



She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.



I said, ‘I sure did,’ and with a smile, held up my thumb, to show her.

Tricky math

3 ppl go stay hotel


tauke say rm300

so each ppl pay rm100

then tauke give discount

room rm250 only

tauke ask bell boy give them back rm50

bell boy take rm20 masuk pocket

so they 3 ppl get rm30

so each ppl get rm10

mean every 1 out rm90  (rm100 - rm10)

rm90*3+bell boy rm20=290

where is the balance RM10?

Mountain Story

Mountain Story




"A son and his father were walking on the mountains.

Suddenly, his son falls, hurts himself and screams: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"

To his surprise, he hears the voice repeating, somewhere in the mountain: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"

Curious, he yells: "Who are you?"

He receives the answer: "Who are you?"

And then he screams to the mountain: "I admire you!"

The voice answers: "I admire you!"

Angered at the response, he screams: "Coward!"

He receives the answer: "Coward!"

He looks to his father and asks: "What's going on?"

The father smiles and says: "My son, pay attention."

Again the man screams: "You are a champion!"

The voice answers: "You are a champion!"

The boy is surprised, but does not understand.

Then the father explains: "People call this ECHO, but really this is LIFE.

It gives you back everything you say or do.

Our life is simply a reflection of our actions.

If you want more love in the world, create more love in your heart.

If you want more competence in your team, improve your competence.

This relationship applies to everything, in all aspects of life;

Life will give you back everything you have given to it."



YOUR LIFE IS NOT A COINCIDENCE. IT'S A REFLECTION OF YOU!"

Smart kids

Subject: 5th Grade!!!




First-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her

students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in third-grade too!" The

teacher had enough. She took Harry to the Principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he

agreed to take the test.

Principal : "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry : "9"

Principal : "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry : "36"



And so it went with every question the principal thought a

third-grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.



Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Harry: "Legs"



Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

Harry: "Pockets".



Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide

and before he could stop the answer....)

Harry: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and

sticky?"

Harry: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting

down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and

before he could stop the answer...)

Harry: "Shake hands".

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"

Harry: "Yup"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to

get me up.

I get wet before you do."

Harry: "Tent"

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're

bored. The best man always has me first." (Principal was looking restless and a bit tense)

Harry: "Wedding Ring"

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip.

When you blow me, you feel good."

Harry: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come

with a quiver."

Harry: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that

means a lot of excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

"Put this ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

Untiring Love

This is a true story that happened in Japan.




In order to renovate the house, someone in Japan tore open the wall. Japanese houses normally have a hollow space between the wooden walls. When tearing down the walls, he found that there was a lizard stuck there because a nail from outside was hammered into one of its feet. He saw this, felt pity, and at the same time he was curious. When he checked the nail, turns out, it was nailed 10 years ago when the house was first built.



What happened?



The lizard had survived in such a position for 10 years! In a dark wall partition for 10 years without moving, it is impossible and mind boggling. Then he wondered how this lizard survived for 10 years without moving a single step--since its foot was nailed!



So he stopped his work and observed the lizard, what it had been doing, and what and how it has been eating. Later, not knowing from where it came, appeared another lizard, with food in its mouth.



Ahh! He was stunned and at the same time, touched deeply. Another lizard had been feeding the stuck one for the past 10 years...



Such love, such a beautiful love! Such love happened with this tiny creature...



What can love do?



It can do wonders!



Love can do miracles!



Just think about it; one lizard had been feeding the other one

untiringly for 10 long years, without giving up hope on its partner.



If a small creature like a lizard can love like this... just imagine how we can love if we try

God create living creature

Our Life Cycle goes like this :-




On the first day of the world, God created the cow.

He told the cow 'Ah Gu today I have created you. Your job is to go to

the field and help the farmer all day long. you will provide the energy to

pull things etc. And you will also provide milk for people to drink. All

day long you will toil under the sun. In return you will only eat grass.



For that life, you will have a life span of 50 years'. Ah Gu objected. 'What

I work all day in the sun and get to eat grass only and I have to provide milk away.

This is tough and you want me to live 50 years. Tell you what, i'll take 20 years

and you can take back the 30 years'. God agreed.



On the 2nd day, God created the dog. He said to the dog "Ah Kow, I have

created you for a purpose'. 'What is that' asked Ah Kow. 'Your duty is to sit all

day by the door of your master. Should anyone come by, you are to bark at them.

In return, you shall eat your master's left-overs. I'll give you a life span of 20 years,

God said.



Ah Kow like the cow objected and said to God 'What! I have to sit all day long by

the door and need to bark at people and what do I get ....LEFTOVERS. This isn't

right' said the dog and he continued 'I'll just take 10 and you can keep the remaining

10 years' God agreed again.



On the third day, God created the monkey and he told the monkey 'Low Kao, your

job is to entertain people. you shall make them laugh with your antics of acting

stupid and making faces. You will also do summersaults and swing on trees to amaze

them. In return you get to eat bananas and peanuts. For that life, I'll give you 20

years. Isn't that good? asked God.



Naturally the monkey objected replying 'God, this is just ridiculous. I gotta to make

funny faces to make people laugh and let's not even come to the part about the trees

and somersaults. Tell you what I'll give 10 years of my life to thank you for my existence

and I'll take 10 only. What do you think?' God agreed again.



Then on the fourth day, God created humans and he said to the man 'You are my best

piece of work and all you need to do is sleep, eat, sleep, play, eat, sleep again

and do nothing else. You get to eat all the best things and play with the best toys. All

you have to do is enjoy your life.



For this kind of privilege, I'll give you 20 years. Man objected and said, 'What! all I need to

do is relax and enjoy myself and I only have 20 years to live. Quite a lousy deal, tell you

what - since you have 30 years from Ah Gu, 10 years from Ah Kow plus another 10 from

Lao Kao and you probably do not know what to do with all those years. Why not I take

them all and I'll have 70 years to live?'



God being such good natured, agreed with a smile.



AND THAT IS WHY



We eat, sleep, play and enjoy life for the first 20 years of our lives when we

are growing up



We work like a cow for the next 30 years to raise our family.



Sit outside and bark at people for the next 10 years when we are retired.



And finally, we make faces and perform monkey tricks to entertain our

grand-children for the final 10 years.

Malaysia Poem

Can study continue STUDY
Can't study, work FACTORY
Cannot rely on CHARITY


Earn a little SALARY
Just enough 4 daily ROTI
Go work no WIRA but LRT.


Colleagues formerly FRIENDLY
Daily treated to KOPI
Now gradually get CRAZY
Behind me say I LAZY.



Boss has no SYMPATHY
Work always must HURRY
Say I not enough BUSY
Often ask me do OT



Midnight go back by TAXI
TAXI surcharge KILLING ME
Now i pokai and NO MORE MONEY
Borrow from AhLong kena EXTRA FEE
Coz money is never FREE


Boy/girl-friend go STEADY
Serious, and then MARRY
Ceremony and PARTY
joker-friends give PANTY
No money sure no HONEY



10 months later be DADDY
Wife at GH birth a BABY


Monthly pay back RHB
Earn not enough FEEL GUILTY
Jump down suicide and MATI
No money 4 funeral how to BURY
Go see God every thing hoping will JADI
Because MALAYSIA BOLEH. SEMUA JADI.

JOKES - Let us sing the Hokkien Poem

Children is kina kia


Bird is chiao kia

Korean Car is Kia

Give birth is seh kia

Furniture is Ikea

Police is mata kia

Small house is chu kia

Country name is Czechoslovakia

Puppy is kao kia

Kitten is ngiao kia

Chicken is kuey kia

Pig is tu kia

H/phone is nokia

I'm Hokkien kia,

Malay is huan kia

Hindu is kit leng kia

Kuai lou is ang mo kia

Chinese is t'ng lang kia

Japanese is jit pun kia

Bad Guy is phai kia

Good Guy is ho kia

>

>

>

Person who read this message is Gong Kia

If you laugh, you are Siow Kia

GSCE 'O' Levels Hokkien Exam Paper

Instructions:




1. Read the passage carefully



2. Grade yourself with the grading system at the end of the passage after reading.



3. Not that difficult, chin chai do lah !







Section A: Orrler Exeminetion (60 marks)





Question:

Singalella why become rich ?







Koo zhar wu chee ay char bor kia, Singalella.



She got two sisters, but the stepmarder and the sisters all damn kuai-lan, so she quite zhia-lat oso.



Last time Singalella got own maid, but now she become the amah.



Everyday must cook lah, clean lah, simi sai mah bao-kah-liao.



If her sister say liak kar zhuak, she liak.



Tak jit zho kah tau-hin.



CPF poon boh.



But then, kay piak eh ah-pek got one son call Ah Ming got party.



So he say, "oeh, long chong lai ah."



Singalella very happy because she never go party before but then her step-marder say, "Lee Mana eh-sai kee, this one bahru lu eh sisters wu standard."



Then Singalella must zho sui-sui for her sisters and step-marder.



Tap pai how, buay zhia, buay koon and buay pang-sai.



That night she only can wave bye bye and then she go back to the kitchen and cook Maggi mee.



Her neighbour came over and ask, "Eh, an-zhua lu boh kee party?"



So Singaalella kong, "I-wan, lau-bu kong buay-sai, so boh pian."



She never expect but the neighbour say, "Aiyah, kee lah, I give you money."



So singalella brush teef and zhang-zhui, chen-kor, after that look very different.



She quickly run to opposite of the beh-chia-lor, already 11 o'clock.



At the party, Ah Ming also quite sian because the char bor all boh sui one.



Dance floor even got one ah pek dancing.



Just as Ah Ming told himself, "Aiyah see-pay zhia-lat", Singalella came in.



Ah Ming straight away lau nuar.



"Wah-lau eh, see-pay heng ah, chee kor buay pai."



Ah Ming say to Singalella, "eh, sui eh, wah ai kah lee zho flen!"



Singalella say ok but Ah Ming like octopus, touch here touch there.



But then just it was 12 o'clock, one ah pek die on the dance floor.



He become ghost and tell Singalella all the good 4D number.



So after that Singalella quickly go and buy 4D, and then tiok tau-pio, zhit-pak ban.



So she pay back the kay-piak eh lau-kay-poh and then kah kee cho sen-lee.



Simi kuan eh sen-lee wah mana eh zhai.







Section B: Grades - Gauge Your command of Hokkien....



A1. Can understand the story and pronounce Hokkien correctly.



Hokkien eh sai, bo beh zao.





A2. Can understand half story and/or cannot pronounce Hokkien properly.



zhia lat





E8. Don't understand story and/or catch no ball.



leow leow, mai ka lang kong you is Hokkien Singabolean





F9. Don't understand rating.



kee see lah, wah mana eh zhai lee kong simi?