Monday, April 12, 2010

JOKES - When they're small....

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the tracks, with some internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After months in the hospital recovering, he was at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the tea kettle whistling. He grabbed a baseball bat from the nearby closet and bashed the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen, saw what had happened, and asked the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replied, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

JOKES - Why Chinese is good at business

Ah Beng (the father) says to his son. . . ‘I want you to marry a girl of my choice.’

The son says, ‘I will choose my own bride!!!’

Ah Beng says, ‘But the girl is Bill Gates’ daughter.’

Son answers, ‘Well, in that case . . . ok.’

Next Ah Beng approaches Bill Gates and says, ‘I have a husband for your daughter…’

Bill Gates answers, ‘But my daughter is too young to marry!!’

Ah Beng says, ‘But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank’

Bill Gates answers, ‘Ah, in that case . . ok.’

Finally, Ah Beng goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Ah Beng says, ‘I have a young man to recommend as a vice-president.’

The president answers, ‘But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!’

Ah Beng says, ‘But this young man is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.’

The president answers: ‘Ah, in that case . . . ok.’

And that, my friends, is how Chinese do business!

JOKES - The Barber

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in

the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the

shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?*

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About

an hour and a half .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob,

do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a

haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop,

laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your house!'

Shake it off and take a step up

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.

Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.

He was astonished at what he saw.

With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.

He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.

The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.

Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.

We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred – Forgive.

Free your mind from worries – Most “worries” actually never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

JOKES - Sudden divorce

An elderly man in Boston calls his son in Los Angeles and says: "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says: "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in St. Louis and tell her!" and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts: "I'll take care of this."

She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man: "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. OK," he says: "They're coming home for the holidays and they're paying their own airfares!"

JOKES - Girl with the congressman

A congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when the he turned to her and said,

'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

'OK,' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?

Monday, April 5, 2010

Amazing picture

If you see that's Einstein that's mean u didn't face short sighteness. If you see Marilyn Monroe that mean you face short sighteness