The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal’s skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.
This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle."
He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So they blindfolded him again, ve! ry thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308."
He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn’t get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?"
His wife replied angrily, "From me!"
"What did I do?" he asked.
She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, 'Skunk, killed with an axe!'"
Thursday, May 27, 2010
JOKES - Mengenal Nombor
Seorang Guru Tadika bertanya kepada anak muridnya...
Guru : "Siapa didalam kelas ini yang mengenal nombor?"
Razif : "Saya Cikgu"
Guru : "Apa betul awak kenal nombor-nombor?" ! ;
Razif : "Ya Cikgu.. Saya telah belajar dengan ayah"
Guru : "Baiklah.. mari kita lihat... selepas 3..berapa?"
Razif : "4"
Guru : "Bagus... Selepas 6?"
Razif : "7"
Guru : "Ya.. Bagus.. selepas 9?"
Razif : "10"
Guru : "Ya.. Bagus sekali... nampaknya ayahmu benar-benar mengambil berat tentang pelajaran kamu.. Okeylah.. Akhir sekali..
selepas sepuluh.. berapa?"
Razif : "Jack, Queen, & King"
P/S : Haha must be learn from Genting Uncle Lim
Guru : "Siapa didalam kelas ini yang mengenal nombor?"
Razif : "Saya Cikgu"
Guru : "Apa betul awak kenal nombor-nombor?" ! ;
Razif : "Ya Cikgu.. Saya telah belajar dengan ayah"
Guru : "Baiklah.. mari kita lihat... selepas 3..berapa?"
Razif : "4"
Guru : "Bagus... Selepas 6?"
Razif : "7"
Guru : "Ya.. Bagus.. selepas 9?"
Razif : "10"
Guru : "Ya.. Bagus sekali... nampaknya ayahmu benar-benar mengambil berat tentang pelajaran kamu.. Okeylah.. Akhir sekali..
selepas sepuluh.. berapa?"
Razif : "Jack, Queen, & King"
P/S : Haha must be learn from Genting Uncle Lim
JOKES - China is the world's only country, cannot mess with
賓拉登說：中國是全球唯一絕對不能惹的國家！
Bin Laden said: China is the world's only country we
absolutely cannot mess with
原因是這樣的：基地組織曾派出八名恐怖分子襲擊中國，結果如下：
The reason is this: al-Qaeda terrorists had made 8 attacks
on the Chinese with the following results:
*一人在炸北京西直門立體交通橋時，在橋上迷了路；
One person was to explode a bomb in Beijing Xizhimen (the
main northwest gate of Beijing) but he lost his way in the
three-dimensional traffic bridge;
*一人在上海坐公車自殺炸彈時，擠了兩小時沒擠上車；
One person in Shanghai was to take a bus to explode a
suicide bomb in the bus, but it was so crowded he could not get into a bus for
two hours;
*一人在武漢炸超市時，炸彈遙控器被偷；
One person was to bomb a supermarket in Wuhan, but found
that the bomb remote control was stolen;
*一人在炸成都政府大樓時，在門口被保安當作疆獨份子逮捕、狂揍、逼供；
One person wanted to bomb government buildings in Chengdu,
but was stopped at the door by the security staff and arrested as an East
Turkistan separatist, and was beaten and interrogated;
*一人成功地在河北炸礦，死傷數百人，潛回基地組織後，半年都沒見任何到有关新聞報
導，遂被組織以"謊報戰果罪"報處決了（這個最可憐！）；
One person succeeded in bombing a Hebei mine, with hundreds
of people dead and wounded, and then returned to the al-Qaeda center, but
even after six months, failed to see any news reports on the success of
the bombing ，he was considered by the organization to claim a false victory and was executed
(this is the most pathetic!);
*一人曾經嘗試炸廣州，結果剛一出火車站，炸藥包就給飛車黨搶了；
One person had tried to bomb Guangzhou, but as he came off
the train, a motorcycle robber (flying car robber) snatched his bag
(containing the bomb) from him;
*一人剛到西安就失聯，後來在醫院找到人，但卻是在昏迷當中，醫生說他不但吃到
黑心食品，還喝到假酒，可能會成為植物人；
One person who arrived in Xi'an lost contact, and was
later found at the hospital in a state of coma. Doctors said it was the result of
him eating not only "black-hearted" food products, but he also drank
fake alcohol, and would possibly turn into a "vegetable" (vegetative state);
*後來，賓拉登改派一名女恐怖分子去炸海南島，結果竟然被騙去賣淫！
Later, bin Laden tried to send a female terrorist to blow up Hainan Island,
but she was cheated into prostitution!
最後，賓拉登不得不說：記得！！中國是全球唯一絕對不能惹的國家！
Finally, bin Laden have to say: Remember! ! China is the
world's only country we absolutely cannot mess with!
Bin Laden said: China is the world's only country we
absolutely cannot mess with
原因是這樣的：基地組織曾派出八名恐怖分子襲擊中國，結果如下：
The reason is this: al-Qaeda terrorists had made 8 attacks
on the Chinese with the following results:
*一人在炸北京西直門立體交通橋時，在橋上迷了路；
One person was to explode a bomb in Beijing Xizhimen (the
main northwest gate of Beijing) but he lost his way in the
three-dimensional traffic bridge;
*一人在上海坐公車自殺炸彈時，擠了兩小時沒擠上車；
One person in Shanghai was to take a bus to explode a
suicide bomb in the bus, but it was so crowded he could not get into a bus for
two hours;
*一人在武漢炸超市時，炸彈遙控器被偷；
One person was to bomb a supermarket in Wuhan, but found
that the bomb remote control was stolen;
*一人在炸成都政府大樓時，在門口被保安當作疆獨份子逮捕、狂揍、逼供；
One person wanted to bomb government buildings in Chengdu,
but was stopped at the door by the security staff and arrested as an East
Turkistan separatist, and was beaten and interrogated;
*一人成功地在河北炸礦，死傷數百人，潛回基地組織後，半年都沒見任何到有关新聞報
導，遂被組織以"謊報戰果罪"報處決了（這個最可憐！）；
One person succeeded in bombing a Hebei mine, with hundreds
of people dead and wounded, and then returned to the al-Qaeda center, but
even after six months, failed to see any news reports on the success of
the bombing ，he was considered by the organization to claim a false victory and was executed
(this is the most pathetic!);
*一人曾經嘗試炸廣州，結果剛一出火車站，炸藥包就給飛車黨搶了；
One person had tried to bomb Guangzhou, but as he came off
the train, a motorcycle robber (flying car robber) snatched his bag
(containing the bomb) from him;
*一人剛到西安就失聯，後來在醫院找到人，但卻是在昏迷當中，醫生說他不但吃到
黑心食品，還喝到假酒，可能會成為植物人；
One person who arrived in Xi'an lost contact, and was
later found at the hospital in a state of coma. Doctors said it was the result of
him eating not only "black-hearted" food products, but he also drank
fake alcohol, and would possibly turn into a "vegetable" (vegetative state);
*後來，賓拉登改派一名女恐怖分子去炸海南島，結果竟然被騙去賣淫！
Later, bin Laden tried to send a female terrorist to blow up Hainan Island,
but she was cheated into prostitution!
最後，賓拉登不得不說：記得！！中國是全球唯一絕對不能惹的國家！
Finally, bin Laden have to say: Remember! ! China is the
world's only country we absolutely cannot mess with!
JOKES - 2 Nuns
Two African nuns have just arrived in USA by boat.
One says to the other nun, ‘”I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs!!”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
As they sit on a bench in a nearby park, they hear a pushcart vendor yell,” Get your dogs here!” – — and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
“Two dogs please.” says one.
The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs’.
The Mother Superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment, she leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously…“What part did you get?”
One says to the other nun, ‘”I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs!!”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
As they sit on a bench in a nearby park, they hear a pushcart vendor yell,” Get your dogs here!” – — and they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
“Two dogs please.” says one.
The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs’.
The Mother Superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment, she leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously…“What part did you get?”
JOKES - Soldier and a Nun
A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt?… I’ll explain later!!”
The nun agreed.
A moment later, two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way!!”
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, Sister! You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq .”
The nun said, “I understand completely.”
The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls!!…..I don’t want to go to Iraq either!”
Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt?… I’ll explain later!!”
The nun agreed.
A moment later, two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way!!”
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, Sister! You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq .”
The nun said, “I understand completely.”
The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls!!…..I don’t want to go to Iraq either!”
JOKES - 3 lost guy and a genie lamp
There were 3 men managed to save their life while their plane got spoiled and fall into the sea. All of them swam to an island nearby and started to looks for food. While they tried looking for whatever that could be eaten, they found a lamp and rubbed it.
A genie came out from the lamp and offering 3 wishes for them.
Guy 1 say he is worried about his family that staying so far from here and he is missing them. He hopes that he could return to his house. And guy 1 went back home and join his family for dinner.
Guy 2 say that he is an orphan and don't have anyone he should take care of. therefore he wishes to go to a with leng lui paradise.
And he went to a paradise which full of bikini girls....
lastly guy 3 is confused where should he go... and he say 'I don't know where should I go.... I wish 2 of them will come back and help me think where should I head to'.
P/S : I think those 2 will cannibalize him LOL
A genie came out from the lamp and offering 3 wishes for them.
Guy 1 say he is worried about his family that staying so far from here and he is missing them. He hopes that he could return to his house. And guy 1 went back home and join his family for dinner.
Guy 2 say that he is an orphan and don't have anyone he should take care of. therefore he wishes to go to a with leng lui paradise.
And he went to a paradise which full of bikini girls....
lastly guy 3 is confused where should he go... and he say 'I don't know where should I go.... I wish 2 of them will come back and help me think where should I head to'.
P/S : I think those 2 will cannibalize him LOL
JOKES - Ah Beng story
Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because below 18 not allowed Lah !
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.
Ah Beng : "Do you have color TV ?"
Salesgirl : "Yes !" Ah Beng : "Give me a green one, please" -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job.
He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc.
Then he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure of the question.
After much thought, he writes " Yes "
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Ah Beng : "What is that shiny object ?"
Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."
Ah Beng : "What does it do ?"
Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Ah Beng : "I'll buy it"
The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask
Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"
Ah Beng : "It's a thermos flask."
Boss : "What does it do ?"
Ah Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Boss : "What do you have in it !?"
Ah Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his picture is being taken.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Why can't Ah Beng dial 911?
Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it.
When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' command after some tries.
Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer retailer for support.
Ah Beng : "I press the 'F1' key for help lah, but it's been over half an hour and still nobody come and help me Lah ?!"
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah - but
instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it
to my ear, lah" "Oh dear !" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But ..
what happened to the other ear ?"
Ah Beng answered : "That stupid dumbo called back, lah !!!!"
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.
Ah Beng: "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Taipei
AND LAS VEGAS ?"
Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..."
Ah Beng : "THANK YOU lah" AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Ah Beng brags.
"FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL." Ah Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS".
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
At a bar in New York , the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE"
and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE".
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?"
Ah Beng replies : "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED lah"
Because below 18 not allowed Lah !
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.
Ah Beng : "Do you have color TV ?"
Salesgirl : "Yes !" Ah Beng : "Give me a green one, please" -------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job.
He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc.
Then he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure of the question.
After much thought, he writes " Yes "
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Ah Beng : "What is that shiny object ?"
Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."
Ah Beng : "What does it do ?"
Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Ah Beng : "I'll buy it"
The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask
Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"
Ah Beng : "It's a thermos flask."
Boss : "What does it do ?"
Ah Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Boss : "What do you have in it !?"
Ah Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his picture is being taken.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Why can't Ah Beng dial 911?
Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it.
When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' command after some tries.
Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer retailer for support.
Ah Beng : "I press the 'F1' key for help lah, but it's been over half an hour and still nobody come and help me Lah ?!"
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah - but
instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it
to my ear, lah" "Oh dear !" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But ..
what happened to the other ear ?"
Ah Beng answered : "That stupid dumbo called back, lah !!!!"
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.
Ah Beng: "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Taipei
AND LAS VEGAS ?"
Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..."
Ah Beng : "THANK YOU lah" AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Ah Beng brags.
"FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL." Ah Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS".
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
At a bar in New York , the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE"
and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE".
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?"
Ah Beng replies : "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED lah"
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
JOKES - No Swimming
A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.
"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.
He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."
"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.
He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."
JOKES - 100 year old make love
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling…
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble..
“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny.
“Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along!”
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble..
“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny.
“Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along!”
JOKES - High tech milking machine
Lewis's cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected one gallons
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected one gallons
JOKES - The unhappy man
A man lost both of his arms in a car accident. When he recovered in the hospital, he found that he was useless and decided to commit suicide by jumping out of a 10th-story window. As he looked down from the window, he saw a man with no arms just like him dancing wildly and happily on the street. He decided to find out what made this man so happy.
Arriving on the street, he asked, "Hey, brother, stop dancing for a minute and tell what your secret is that you are so happy."
The dancing man responded, "What do you mean, happy? Hell no! I feel itchy like hell in my ass, but I can't reach it."
Arriving on the street, he asked, "Hey, brother, stop dancing for a minute and tell what your secret is that you are so happy."
The dancing man responded, "What do you mean, happy? Hell no! I feel itchy like hell in my ass, but I can't reach it."
JOKES - I like your thinking
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
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