Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a
trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways
to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits
up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be
easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one
replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with durians."
Monday, December 21, 2009
JOKES - Naming the twins
A woman three months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.
"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."
"Oh shit, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"
"Denise," the doctor replies.
Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"
The doctor answers, "Denephew."
"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."
"Oh shit, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"
"Denise," the doctor replies.
Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"
The doctor answers, "Denephew."
JOKES - Sex Frog
A blonde, June, goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl, June, excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions! ' The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down inbetween your legs, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens!
The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . Please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store.
The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'
The man . . . Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONLY ONE .. MORE ... TIME!!!' OK ?
The girl, June, excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions! ' The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down inbetween your legs, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens!
The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . Please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store.
The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'
The man . . . Looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONLY ONE .. MORE ... TIME!!!' OK ?
JOKES - Greatest Chinese torture
A man is traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night. After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers. The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese guy agrees -- as long as he doesn't screw his granddaughter. Before the traveler can agree, the old man warns him that if he does screw his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him. The traveler says okay, and the man lets him in.
When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her.
The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, "First Chinese torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest." Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of it. He picks up the rock and throws it out the window. On the back of the rock, there is another sign reading "Second Chinese torture: right ball tied to rock." Thinking quickly, the traveler jumps out the window. On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading, "Third Chinese torture: left nut tied to bed post."
When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her.
The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, "First Chinese torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest." Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of it. He picks up the rock and throws it out the window. On the back of the rock, there is another sign reading "Second Chinese torture: right ball tied to rock." Thinking quickly, the traveler jumps out the window. On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading, "Third Chinese torture: left nut tied to bed post."
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
JOKES - Russian Roulette vs African Roulette
The foreign minister of a small African state had opportunity to visit Russia for the very first time.
There he was warmly welcomed by his Russian counterpart, who wined and dined him and generally offered him the best hospitality that Russia could offer.
On his last day, the Russian foreign minister took the African foreign minister into a room with a table on which lay a revolver.
'My comrade, since you are about to leave, I must introduce you to a custom we have here in Russia , something called Russian roulette.
It is a true test of manhood and worth, and how it works is that you must take the revolver, spin the cylinders, hold the revolver to your head and then pull the trigger.
Only one of the six chambers is loaded.'
The African leader, being of proud warrior stock and a courageous man, took the revolver, spun the cylinder, snapped it shut, pointed it at his head and sighed with relief when all he heard was 'click', but no shot.
Well impressed with his bravery, he and the Russian drank vodka until the African leader had to be carried aboard his plane.
Six months later the Russian foreign minister visits the African foreign minister¹s country.
The African, remembering keenly the Russian roulette he had to play previously, took the Russian into a room on the last day of his visit. In the room were six beautiful, naked young women.
'To prove your courage and manhood, see before you six of the most beautiful women from each of our tribes.
This is something I call 'African roulette'. You may pick any one of them and they will give you a blowjob.'
The Russian, not too averse to this idea at all, asks the African, 'But where is the risk? To be called roulette there must be some form of risk involved.'
The African smiles broadly.
'One of the six is a cannibal.'
There he was warmly welcomed by his Russian counterpart, who wined and dined him and generally offered him the best hospitality that Russia could offer.
On his last day, the Russian foreign minister took the African foreign minister into a room with a table on which lay a revolver.
'My comrade, since you are about to leave, I must introduce you to a custom we have here in Russia , something called Russian roulette.
It is a true test of manhood and worth, and how it works is that you must take the revolver, spin the cylinders, hold the revolver to your head and then pull the trigger.
Only one of the six chambers is loaded.'
The African leader, being of proud warrior stock and a courageous man, took the revolver, spun the cylinder, snapped it shut, pointed it at his head and sighed with relief when all he heard was 'click', but no shot.
Well impressed with his bravery, he and the Russian drank vodka until the African leader had to be carried aboard his plane.
Six months later the Russian foreign minister visits the African foreign minister¹s country.
The African, remembering keenly the Russian roulette he had to play previously, took the Russian into a room on the last day of his visit. In the room were six beautiful, naked young women.
'To prove your courage and manhood, see before you six of the most beautiful women from each of our tribes.
This is something I call 'African roulette'. You may pick any one of them and they will give you a blowjob.'
The Russian, not too averse to this idea at all, asks the African, 'But where is the risk? To be called roulette there must be some form of risk involved.'
The African smiles broadly.
'One of the six is a cannibal.'
JOKES - Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past 3. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past 3. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
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